The Long Awaited Call

A journal of a certain Monday in June.

It was an ordinary Monday. Paperwork, maybe some laundry if it got lucky, catching up on social networks, and lots of other important stuff like that. There had been several referrals from our agency the week before, so I had to go look at the “unofficial” waiting list to see what our numbers were. We were the 17^th family on the list, #11 for infant boy, #10 for infant girl, #1 for young siblings, #1 for siblings over 4 yrs, #2 for toddler boy, #2 for toddler girl, #1 for child 4 yrs or older. Because of our request (one child or siblings, either gender, 0-5 years old) we had a lot of numbers! Seeing three #1’s was exciting, but not overly; we have had at least one #1 since February. Still, I was trying to be hopeful that our time was coming soon. I took a picture of the waiting list and sent it to Dave and my family. And then carried on about my day.

 At 4:30 I called Dave to see what his plan was for the evening. He said he was in wheat harvest and would be working late. We had a Youth for Christ meeting planned so I told him I would just go without him. As we were talking, my phone beeped an incoming call. I took a quick glance and then did a major double take. It said “Caitlin E is calling”. Interrupting Dave’s sentence I said “Dave, DAVE, listen! Caitlin is calling. CAITLIN EDW*RDS! I HAVE TO GO!” I don’t know if he said anything, at that point I’m not sure I was even capable of hearing. Caitlin is our family coordinator from our agency. She is who guided us through the paperwork process, who we talk to about our request, and who we call to whine to when our wait times are only getting longer and longer. And she is the one who calls with news of a referral. Although my mind briefly computed the fact that there is always a chance she could call about something else, my heart didn’t believe it for a moment. My whole body caught an instant case of the shakes, even my voice. I shakily answered her call, and she asked if Dave was home. My reply, “No, but you can call him! He’s in wheat harvest!” (I’m sure she was glad for that important detail.) She told me she would make a 3way call. So I waited. Nervously. So very nervously. Then she came back on and said she couldn’t get a hold of him. So we disconnected so she could start it again. And I sat on the floor laugh/crying and shaking, and trying to breathe. 

The shaky laugh/cry face

 Then my phone rang again. Excitedly, I tried to turn up the volume, because I have had Caitlin’s ring tone ID set to the Hallelujah Chorus, and I have waited oh so many days to hear it sing hallelujah to me. But alas, hitting the volume button while the phone is ringing does of course silence the entire ring. But no matter, I had a phone call to take! I answered and heard Dave’s voice. She proceeded without keeping us on pins and needles to much longer. (I’m guessing she’s learned the hard way trying to make some small talk and the mom looses her grip and has a full blown hyper-ventilation attack on the phone.)  She told us she had very exciting news for our family. She said “I have a very unusual referral for you!” I’m thinking, “uhh, that’s a good thing, right? Please no quadruplets!” She then told us of a darling nearly 5 year old girl named A. (We won’t share names or photos publicly until we pass court). Then she said, “and A has a darling little sister! Only a few months old!” At this point my end went silent, and I succumbed to the sobs. Two girls!? How did this happen? For over two years we’ve been talking about our boy. The list has almost constantly been shorter for boys, and since our request was neutral, we always thought we would get a boy. And a BABY?? I haven’t day-dreamed about an infant for at least a year!  I was in shock on so many levels. She continued on with a few more details, most of which I did not hear, and then told us “congratulations, you have pictures waiting in your email inbox!”  After she disconnected, Dave and I in shaky voices asked each other, “did that really just happen? Did she say TWO GIRLS??” 

Then the bad news…Dave said he would try to get home as soon as he could, but since he was harvesting wheat he could not leave and would probably not be home until 7. Caitlin called at 4:32. I had over 2 hours to wait, if we were going to “meet” them together. So, I paced around the house for a while, intermittently praising Jesus and then asking Him if this really happened, or if it was just a really good dream!? My puppy paced after me, convinced I’d lost my mind. Finally I decided to go for a walk. I walked for several miles, until Dave drove past and picked me up. We RAN into the house and straight for the laptop. Dave got to stare at their faces first while I took pictures, then it was my turn while he manned the camera. (Though we thoroughly expected a boy, we could not be more excited about our girls. Dave is smitten by these beauties, and he stares at their photos at least as often as I do.)

We spent the rest of the evening (week, really) in shock. We sent this text to my family: “NOTICE: very important family meeting needed, who all can be at mom and dads sometime tomorrow evening? U do not want to miss this. Also do not ask questions.”  Needless to say, they all made it. We met in a central city at a park. It was a screaming, laughing, crying, praying celebration. Memories of that night will be treasured and shared with the girls when they’re home, telling of how much they were loved at first sight, bald heads and all!

We ate lunch with Dave’s family and gave another delighted grandma her first set of photos, and spent the rest of the week telling friends and family.

The emotions have been crazy. Over the top excitement. Gratitude. Love. Fear. Sadness. Anticipation. Mainly overwhelmed. And sleep deprived. How is one to sleep with everything from baby room ideas to attachment planning to international travel to becoming a parent of two swirling around in the brain?

26 months of paperwork and preparations, 18 months and 15 days of it spent simply waiting, and finally referral day has become a reality. The joy and love over these two darlings is indescribable. The gratitude to God for giving us this gift, for using the long, heavy months to draw us so close to Himself in preparation, is overflowing. The fear of losing these darlings, of them getting sick, of being able to parent them adequately and assist in their healing, is in constant need of rebuke. The sadness, that our joy and celebration is borne out of their grief and loss, is a constant awareness in our hearts. God’s work of redemption, of bringing beauty from ashes, is a marvelous thing. But it does come with a cost of pain and loss. And we do not for a minute minimize that reality.

So there you have a detailed (of course) account of how referral day unfolded. I do believe this is the first good news post this blog has seen! 

“Bless the Lord, O my soul,
  and all that is within me,bless his holy name!

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
 who satisfies you with good
  so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.” Psalm 103:1-5

**To answer the many questions of “Now what? When do the girls come home?” We are waiting for Ethiopia to issue us a court date. It could be as early as the first of August, but is more likely to be later fall. The courts close for August and September, as it is their rainy season and travel is extremely difficult. We could possibly squeeze in before closure, but are trying to not to get our hopes up. Once we have a court date, we will travel, meet the girls, and go before a judge. When we pass court, we then wait for the girls’ visas to be completed and to be issued an Embassy appointment, at which point we will be able to bring the girls home. This appointment will likely be several months after court. So once again, we are praying that we can be patient and trust in God’s timing, and that all plans of the enemy to hinder the girls’ homecoming would be thwarted.  

Mother's Day

Mother's Day

I look for you, but I don’t know your face.

I listen for you when the children play,

But I’ve never heard your laughter.

I hear one crying, calling for Momma,

I wonder if you’re doing the same.

Crying. Wondering who will come to your aid.

I look for you.

I miss you, but I’ve never touched your skin.

Mother’s day leaves me feeling empty-armed once again.

How many mothers Day’s have you spent motherless?

Will you believe with me that God makes beauty from the ashes?

That someday our aching hearts will be united?

Until then, you’re as close as a heartbeat, even while the miles separate.

I miss you.

I love you, you are the child of my heart.

I dream of you, while I sleep and when I am awake.

No blood line but the blood of Jesus is required,

To make us family, and you belong forever.

I will fight, through blood and sweat and tears;

Whatever it takes, child. Whatever it takes.

I love you. 

Dedicated to all the motherless children. And specifically those who, God providing, will one day claim the Lahman name. 

Be Still

This has been a week of lament. Of praying “Thy will be done”, then faltering under the weight of the response. Of tasting bitter disappointment. And what else tastes more bitter than that of being let down? Of hopes dashed? Of loved ones disappointing? When the one letting down is in human flesh, though the disappointment is crushing, the expectations can only be set so high, because flesh is never void of failure. But what about when the one is the Almighty? Expectations are limitless with Him, because Creator equals perfection. Yet there is one limit to the expectations. Our comprehension. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.” When prayers seem unanswered, when hopes feel crushed, when direction gives way to disappointment, what then? 

For me, first the lament. I read these words this week.

“Lament is a cry of belief in a good God, a God who has His ear to our hearts, a God who transfigures the ugly into beauty. Complaint is a bitter howl of unbelief in any benevolent God in this moment, a distrust in the love-beat of the Father’s heart. True lament is the bold faith that trusts Perfect love enough to feel and cry authentic.” A. Voscamp.

Some days, from my perspective, it appears that God just played a prank on me, a prank void of any humor. I get angry. I cry. I hate to feel as if I’ve been fooled. Misled. Tricked. 

But then comes the quiet. The whispered reminders that I only see through a glass darkly. The authentic cry of lament, but not the bitter howl of unbelief. And in the quiet I open my eyes wide. It’s dark, but I want to take in every glimpse I can get while I wait for my pupils to dilate. Surely there are things of importance to see here, because He is good, and He only gives good things, and I must believe it. I MUST. Good is His very character, and if I do not believe His goodness, I can not believe Him at all. Choosing to accept something as good when it appears less than appealing to my eyes, this is the stretch. Perhaps not so different from the child whose mother says “playing outside is fun, but a nap is better. Trust me.” Trust. What need is there for trust if there is no element of puzzlement? No mystery?

In the quiet, quieting my heart, my life, my schedule, there are scenes of stirring beauty that would otherwise be looked over. And it is in these things that my strength is regained, my confidence in His goodness is restored.

Things like a tree in full spring splendor.

Baby lambs playing on shaky legs. 

The smell of fresh grass mixing with spring rain.

Delightful blooms bursting from bulbs that I planted one heavy-hearted fall day and then forgot about.

The discovery of Yanni’s music. Where has he been all my life?

This calm companion who’s made it her life mission to never let me out of her sight.

 Reading through all the words in red. This was the page I read today. "Blessed is the one who is not offended in me."

This verse, shared by both Ann V. and Katie D. this week, which so fully encompasses all that my heart has been trying to grasp hold of.

 “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen His glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth…And from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.” John 1:14,16

Friend, if disappointment has left its bitter taste in your mouth, how is it that you quiet your heart and move forward in joy? What sights of goodness and beauty are your eyes resting on as you grapple with ways that are Higher than yours? How has His goodness washed over your life, even in the midst of circumstances that appear less than good from flesh eyes? 

“BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” Ps. 46:10

In with the New

I love fresh starts. A notebook with unmarked pages, a new calendar, starting a book, the first day of a new month (replenishing empty envelopes with cash, the one and only FUN activity in monthly budgeting), writing out a new schedule, determining a new game plan…the thought of starting anew, leaving past failures behind and reaching towards new goals, it’s invigorating! And never more so than at the start of a new year.

My enthusiasm over the blank pages in my planner is tremendous. It’s almost like caffeine energy, but without the sweaty palms and lightheadedness. I have to consciously rein in my pencil from filling up my blank pages with lists and goals and mottos and vision statements. I know from the statistics and from my previous 25 new year’s days that the enthusiasm for the resolutions fades. So I bounce between logical pessimism (resolutions are a waste of lead and will only cause writer’s cramp), and unrealistic optimism (maybe this is the year I could turn over a new leaf and become a motivated, self disciplined, high achieving individual who completes all 10 resolutions by July). Sitting in PJ’s at 10:30 am on January 2nd confirmed my suspicions that even in my most optimistic hopes, it does not look like such a level of motivation is in my near future. However, I have concluded there must be a happy medium.

Through some recent reading and a positive, encouraging (of course!) story on Klove, I decided to channel my many good resolutions into a word. One word to focus on for the year. I have done this to a smaller degree for the past several years. Beginning unintentionally, I had the word “Courage” for my 2010 theme. This was the year when I began to take a serious look at the many anxieties that were dictating my life and stealing my joy. In 2011 the theme was “Gracious”. This was particularly referring to gracious words (hence the name of the blog).The Lord had placed the realization on my heart that I was often killing with my words rather than giving life (Prov. 15:4). As I reflect over the last 2 years I undeniably see areas of victory. Of Spirit directed success. I rejoice in the freedom I’ve experienced from the grip of fear and negativity. However, I see times (too many) when I picked up the chains I’d been freed from. I struggle to move forward to a new year, a new resolution, a new word, when I can’t feel completion and closure over the previous years.

Knowing, in my meager understanding, what I know about the life long process of sanctification, and the life-time journey of being made into the image of Christ, I determined that I could not wait for completion, but rather press on, trusting the Lord to continue His work in completing what He has started in me. So I began praying for a word.

It should be noted that this is not the first time I have prayed for a word in the past months. As the adoption wait lengthened, and our steps grew heavy and our hearts more confused, Dave and I began praying specifically that God would give us conformation. That He would speak a word, any word over us and our life, our family. We talked, prayed, called our family coordinator (the dear lady from America World who is assigned to our case), shared with our close family and friends, desperately sought the Lord for direction. Though we had some ideas of what we wanted to hear from Him, honestly we just wanted to hear from Him. Even if it meant He wanted to redirect us. Or send us a child that was out of our ideal comfort zone. Or have us pursue other dreams while we waited. Or simply wait longer. But, after times of prayer, fasting, sharing, crying, asking for more prayer, having phone conversations, and more crying…we felt silence. Blessed by praying family and friends and social worker and family coordinator? Yes! Confident that God had indeed heard and had spoken a word of direction? No! I wrestled with anger. How hard is it for Creator God, to give one simple whispered word? Yet I knew even amidst my anger and doubt, that He had heard, and that we should trust Him and continue waiting until we heard otherwise. My heart was strengthened; we regained peace in continuing to wait, and enjoyed a lovely Christmas season even though it didn’t look anything like I’d imagined it to last year at Christmas.

So, praying for a word for the New Year was not an altogether new prayer, though this time I was seeking a word that encompassed my entire life, and the adoption was only a piece, not the primary focus. As I read, thought, and prayed I was on the lookout for a word to resonate with my heart. One kept reoccurring, and I thought it might be close, but it didn’t seem like the final one. You have to understand, this is a big deal. This word is going down in history as THE WORD for 2012, so it must be just right. Today I sat down to look up the meaning of the word I’d been thinking of, hoping that in its definition I would find the official one. The word I looked up was Persevere. A good word, but personally it seemed to strike a slightly flat note. A little too much of a striving connotation, and any form of the word “strive” is in my hypothetical list of horrible words that must never be used. (Pimple and oozing are also on this list. I grimaced just seeing them appear on my screen.) I looked it up in the Strongs concordance, and the brief definition caught my attention. So I went on to look up the Greek word. My eyes got wider and I started reading faster and I might have wiped away a tear or two. God gave me a word all right, and in fact it had no relation to the rotten little “striving” word. I will give you the definitions I found on this useful website, and share why each definition is so impacting.

Persevere:

1: To adhere to one, be his adherent, to be devoted or constant to one. (Adhere, to give support or maintain loyalty, to hold fast or stick by or as if by gluing, suction, grasping, or fusing –Miriam Webster) This is so big I can hardly find words. To adhere (be glued, fused) to One. To be His adherent. If I accomplish nothing else this year, may it be said that I grasped on, held fast to Jesus. Devoted and constant to the one and only Lover of my soul. Not hindered by doubts. Not distanced by seeming silence. Not removed by complacency. But rather fused to His side by the glue of the Holy Spirit.

2: To be steadfastly attentive unto, to give unremitting (constant, incessant.- M.W.) care to a thing. This speaks to me of last year’s word. Steadfastly attentive to the Spirit’s direction. Giving unremitting care to my attitudes and the words that I speak. After all, life and death are in the power of the tongue (Prov. 18:21) something of such power deserves my constant attention.

3: To continue all the time in a place. One foot in front of the other. Occupy fully the moment I’m given. Action even in the waiting seasons.

4: To persevere and not faint.

5: To show one’s self courageous for. 4 and 5 seem to fit well together. Hmm…what does the word “courageous” remind you of?? This is choosing faith over fear. Putting my foot on the water and trusting my Savior to keep me from sinking. Believing that when I am weak, then He is strong.

6: To be in constant readiness for one, wait constantly. This is as if the Lord said to me “and Carrie, last but not least, you remember how you asked for a word for your adoption? Well it is deeply intertwined with the word I’ve given you for your year. Here it is. I’ve called you to this adoption. Persevere. I’m faithful to complete the work, you be faithful as you wait in constant readiness, so that when I say it’s time, you’re ready to go! Continue steadfastly! Wait on child, just a little longer! (And I believe somewhere over the big sea He’s whispering that same phrase to another child of His. One who is lonely and in need of a family’s love.)

This has been written primarily to document my thoughts so I can reflect on them again when I need reminded of the Lord’s word. And so that hopefully one day I can sit down and read this to a child, to confirm that God indeed is faithful to complete the work of setting the lonely in a family (Ps. 68:6). But if you’ve read it, I hope you’ve been inspired to persevere in whatever circumstances your life holds. And I hope you will think about a word for your year and share it with me! Here’s to a year of pursuing goals, deepening relationships, strengthening faith, and persevering through this crazy beautiful life.

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.” Is. 43:19

Bittersweet

Isn’t that what life in this humanness is? A constant wrestling between the pain and the joy, the ugly and the beautiful, the waiting and the hoping, the dying and the living? At one moment crushed by the weight of unfulfilled dreams, suffering, loss, death, and all that the curse entails…yet the next moment enthralled by the gift of love, sacrifice, forgiveness, whispered hope, laughter, untamed beauty, and all that grace entails?

All of this, the bittersweet I have witnessed of late:

Peaceful Storm. Tearful Adieus. (French “I commend you to God)*

Beauty for Ashes. Gladness for Mourning. (Is. 61:3)

Family ties strengthened though the family circle is now broken.

Shovels scraping cold earth to fill a grave while the voices sing “Halleluijah, Thine the Glory.”

To love and let go. Heaven homesick. 

Hoping when there is no end in sight. All things made beautiful in His time. (Ecc. 3:11)

Teenager with head in hands, tears soaking sleeves. Aged in grief and heartache, yet child in the desire to be loved and accepted. 

The dying of the summer beauty. The trees dropping their leaves in splendorous death.

The planting of bulbs, sensitive spring flowers into earth that is getting colder by the day. The laying of two bodies into the same cold earth. Believing in the promise of resurrected life. 

Watching loved ones stagger under the weight of an empty chair at the dinner table and an absence in every moment of their life. Watching as they smile through tears, speaking grateful words of their Creator’s faithful provision and believing that His name being Blessed, whether He is giving or taking. (Job 1:21).

 Vivid reminders that life is fleeting. That those I hold dear I must treasure today, because tomorrow is not promised.

 A renewed awareness that my name could be next on the roll call to Home, so I must not waste time with the frivolous and the petty.

Turning the calendar pages and crossing off the days with still no visible sign that we are any nearer to looking into the eyes of our far away child.

Wrestling with the doubts, fighting for this babe of our heart for as long as it takes, yet wondering how long I can go on. Seeking God with desperate pleas. And hearing His reply: “You will find me when you seek me with all of your heart.” (Jer. 29:13). 

All of this, this has been my bittersweet October. 

*Shared by minister at today’s graveside service for sweet Linda

I Was Hungry and You Gave Me Food...

I am sure many of you have heard the news reports of the drought in the horn of Africa. The pictures are heart-wrenching. The suffering is unimaginable to us as Americans. The estimated numbers of those dying from starvation are staggering. It is estimated more than 29,000 children under the age of 5 have died in the last 90 days in Samolia alone. Please be in prayer for these dear people, the fathers, the mothers, the elderly, the children. Pray that God would draw them so near and comfort them in their time of despair. Pray that we would not be ignorant and complacent in our comfy, climate-controlled lives. If you feel moved to give financially, here is a great resource for determining an organization (or two or three) to donate to. Click the link here to visit a website established by other adoptive families and view several trust-worthy organizations. If you choose to donate today, send an email to the address provided on the site letting us know, and if the amount you give is over $25, feel free to choose a gift as our way of saying thanks on behalf of our extended family who are in great need.
Above is a video of a song that rings through my head every time I look at the photos of the children who are dying because they've been too hungry for too long. (Pause the music on the sidebar before listening to the video). Oh I hope that my ears are willing to hear and respond to the cries of the children. But even beyond that, I hope that my heart is willing to respond to the words of Jesus in Matthew 25. "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and  you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me...Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me."

Hope

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:1-5

This week marks our 7th month DTE anniversary. This simply means 7 months ago our dossier was submitted to Ethiopia and our names were officially inscribed on the waiting list. It means that we are officially ready to have our names un-inscribed and kindly offer up our spot to the next family in line. It means that we are one month past the original estimated wait time, yet still many months shy of the recently lengthened estimated time.


7 months (or six months really) marks a season of budding hope. After months of dampened spirits and darkening doubts, we have found the Lover of our Souls whispering sweet peace and hope into our hearts, and our enthusiasm has been restored. For this heart, hoping in something I have not seen (which is always the case with hope, is it not?) is especially difficult. For one who has an ugly affection with the pride-child named Control, and who often reacts to separation from control with fits of whining, panic, immobility, amnesia, or acid reflux, placing hope in something that is invisible and intangible is impossible. Without a helping hand from the Hope-Giver. While the control freak girl works feverishly to set up protective barriers around the heart, ensuring that no one or nothing can crash the dreams safely hidden inside, the dreams actually begin to die from suffocation. So barricaded are they from any potential vulnerability, never celebrated, rarely spoken of, they begin to decay. But the Hope-Giver whispers of His faithfulness to keep His promises, of joy unspeakable, of endurance, of hope that does not put to shame, of eager expectations, of perfect love casting out fear, and the control freak shuffles back to her grave, her death sentenced already pronounced (2 Cor. 5:17). Her persistence in faking a resurrection is of most irritation and detriment to me.

So, ever so tentatively, I have allowed my hopes to unfurl again. This might really happen! In fact, with certainty it will happen, when and only when, the Author of this hope sees fit. I allow my mind to wander again. What color will the African sky be? What friends will we make, hearts knit together though lives separated by miles and words separated by languages? What will the little face or faces look like the first moment they lay eyes on us? What if the call comes this week?! Will I laugh? Cry? Will that be the moment when my heart finally accepts this concept as a reality and not just a far-fetched dream?

But the hope-thief starts upping the frequency of his uninvited visits. He fills the space with sneers of “The higher your anticipation, the father the fall if this thing crashes and burns!” “If you knew how hard it’s going to be to raise a once- orphaned child, you would be wishing for a longer wait.” And then yesterday his arrival shortly after an email arrival bearing the news of yet another lengthening of the expected wait times was accompanied by taunts: “How funny, weren’t you just saying something about restored hope and having sweet peace in the waiting? You even thought you could receive a referral soon? Your wait is probably just getting started! You might have had joy for a few weeks, but just wait, the despair will be returning any day now.” He steals. He kills. He destroys hope.

Ah but not for long! I know the antidote for his poison. (though too many times control freak girl comes up with ridiculous remedies to try first. They always fail.) I pull out the weapons of the Hope-Giver. Beautiful weapons of promise. (Sound like an oxymoron? His is an upside-down kingdom. 2 Cor. 10:3-6, Mat. 20:16, Mat. 5:44) His promises remind me that the battle is already one. That His faithfulness to me is great, His steadfast love for me endures forever. And I unclench my fist yet again to take hold of the hope He offers. My heart needs continual reminders that trials, suffering, heartaches, are the soil that produces faith and character growth. I call to mind the lessons I have learned about being intentional. (What’s up with this continual learn…forget, learn…forget cycle? Maybe something to do with control freak girl??) Choosing to believe rather than waiting to feel.

“While I may not always feel joy, God asks me to give thanks in all things, because He knows that the feeling of joy begins in the action of thanksgiving. True saints know that the place where all the joy comes from is far deeper than that of feelings; joy comes from the place of the very presence of God. Joy is God and God is joy and joy doesn’t negate all other emotions-joy transcends all other emotions.” (Ann Voskamp in “One Thousand Gifts”, a book that the Hope-Giver has greatly used in restoring my pursuit of contentment.)

I purpose yet again to look for the gifts, the blessings, the graces of this season, this moment. I am learning slowly, tentatively, to allow my heart to embrace the truth that my head has long known but my heart has often doubted. To let this reality soak down into my soul, that God is good. He is GOOD. His goodness is constant, regardless of human circumstance. He is the giver of everything good and those who seek Him will lack no good thing. He does not give sparingly, or according to merit, but rather gives goodness in abundance, without holding back, bestowing favor and honor and guidance and steadfast love from a cup of blessing that is full and overflowing, splashing down into a dry, thirsty soul, saturating the dessert and satisfying the drought. James 1:17, Ps. 34:10, Ps. 84:11, Ps. 33:22, Ps. 63:1-3, Is. 58:11

My friends, thank you for journeying thus far with me, for looking over the barriers, into the dry, sometimes dirty soul of mine, and still loving me. I have just one request. Will you continue to pray with us? I know it has been longer than you (or we) expected, and perhaps there are much harder days yet ahead. I simply ask that you pray for our hearts to be at peace, trusting in the faithfulness of our Father. While we wish that this season of waiting would soon pass, we desire much more that we would be students to whatever lessons He has for us. If it takes many months for us to learn, we want to accept it with thanksgiving, knowing He gives nothing but good! And if one day you are talking to me, and you catch a glimpse of an unsightly barrier around my heart, remind me that hope does not put to shame!