Bittersweet

Isn’t that what life in this humanness is? A constant wrestling between the pain and the joy, the ugly and the beautiful, the waiting and the hoping, the dying and the living? At one moment crushed by the weight of unfulfilled dreams, suffering, loss, death, and all that the curse entails…yet the next moment enthralled by the gift of love, sacrifice, forgiveness, whispered hope, laughter, untamed beauty, and all that grace entails?

All of this, the bittersweet I have witnessed of late:

Peaceful Storm. Tearful Adieus. (French “I commend you to God)*

Beauty for Ashes. Gladness for Mourning. (Is. 61:3)

Family ties strengthened though the family circle is now broken.

Shovels scraping cold earth to fill a grave while the voices sing “Halleluijah, Thine the Glory.”

To love and let go. Heaven homesick. 

Hoping when there is no end in sight. All things made beautiful in His time. (Ecc. 3:11)

Teenager with head in hands, tears soaking sleeves. Aged in grief and heartache, yet child in the desire to be loved and accepted. 

The dying of the summer beauty. The trees dropping their leaves in splendorous death.

The planting of bulbs, sensitive spring flowers into earth that is getting colder by the day. The laying of two bodies into the same cold earth. Believing in the promise of resurrected life. 

Watching loved ones stagger under the weight of an empty chair at the dinner table and an absence in every moment of their life. Watching as they smile through tears, speaking grateful words of their Creator’s faithful provision and believing that His name being Blessed, whether He is giving or taking. (Job 1:21).

 Vivid reminders that life is fleeting. That those I hold dear I must treasure today, because tomorrow is not promised.

 A renewed awareness that my name could be next on the roll call to Home, so I must not waste time with the frivolous and the petty.

Turning the calendar pages and crossing off the days with still no visible sign that we are any nearer to looking into the eyes of our far away child.

Wrestling with the doubts, fighting for this babe of our heart for as long as it takes, yet wondering how long I can go on. Seeking God with desperate pleas. And hearing His reply: “You will find me when you seek me with all of your heart.” (Jer. 29:13). 

All of this, this has been my bittersweet October. 

*Shared by minister at today’s graveside service for sweet Linda