Transformation

I’ve had words bouncing around in my head for a few weeks now. Today is a great day to let them out. Today is an important day for us. Today I reminisce, celebrate, reflect, and relive what I consider to be about the third most impacting, life-changing, emotionally charged day of my life. June 25^th marks the day we got THE CALL. Over 2 years after embarking on the adoption journey, and nearly 19 months of having our paperwork submitted to Ethiopia, referral day finally arrived. My memories are so incredibly vivid. The June sunshine in my blinds, the quiet afternoon in my living room with hardly a sound but the air conditioner, I can remember it all like yesterday. The America World name on my caller ID. The heart racing, stomach doing flip flops, so shaky I could hardly talk coherently feelings. The words “we have some very exciting news for your family”. The waiting for her to connect Dave to the 3 way call, while I sat on the floor crying and laughing and trying to breathe and looking like this. 

The wide eyes when I heard “we have an unusual referral for you, a nearly 5 year old girl, and her baby sister who’s only 3 months old”. This was only the start of a season of high emotion and life changing experiences, but something about this day was just exceptional. It was sheer, ecstatic delight. The long, aimless wait was over. This was real. It was REALLY happening! And the wait equaling two gestation periods resulted in TWO girls! 

 

And without further adue, I {re}introduce to you, Cypress Arsema and Sami (Samrawit) Skye Lahman.

Then:

And now:

So here we are today. Reliving the excitement. Still amazed at the privilege we were given a year ago today. The days between last June 25^th and today have been harder than anything I’ve walked before. Life as I knew it had indeed forever changed, and in such good ways. But it didn’t negate the difficulty of the change, the grief I felt for the life Dave and I had enjoyed for six years prior that had been permanently altered. The responsibility was heavier than I could have imagined. Learning the dance of parenting two children whose lives were so drastically changed as well, who had not know the rhythm of a complete family, was an exercise of great pain before much of the beauty was exposed. 

But in the hardest of days, when I’ve wondered what in the world I was doing, when I felt of all women most incapable of being a good mother to the two beauties in my care, when I wondered if we had honestly bitten off more than we could ever chew, I would reflect on this day. I would go back to the call, to the photos, to the unbelievable odds that this was the referral placed in our hands. Back to the first meeting, to the knowing, deep within both Dave and I’s hearts when we first laid eyes on them, that they belonged, that they were as much a part of our hearts as if they had came from us. And even in the dark moments when I didn’t think I would survive one more day and I was just so scared we would be nothing but an unraveled mess of a family, I drew strength from this memory. No negative emotion I was experiencing could negate the vivid reminder that God did indeed do a great work in bringing us all together. 

Two little girls broken from grief and loss and in need someone to meet their needs and wipe their tears and have tickle fights and call them daughters. Two adults, broken because who of us aren’t? In need of someone to draw us outside of our comfort zones and selfish bubbles, someone to open our eyes to the reality that we are nothing NOTHING without the goodness of Jesus, someone to fill our house with wild laughter and fingerprints, someone to make our hearts so warm they nearly melt, someone to awaken us to love like we’ve never felt. And so we are four. Meeting needs we may not even know existed. Watching redemption and transformation unfold, and at the same time finding ourselves being transformed. 

Although this is written in a reflective tone, we have by no means arrived. I still second guess myself every day. I wonder if the adoption community would disown me and Karyn Purvis would shake her pretty head if they saw inside my house, the impatience, the missed opportunities, the angry words, the unfair expectations. I feel like a 3 year old on a Barbie tricycle that suddenly got dropped in the middle of the Tour de France. A tadpole swimming with the great whites. In over my head and painfully aware that I am bumbling at every turn and severely lacking in the training, discipline, and maturity that is needed for such a greatly important role. It’s not just a gold medal at stake; it is the hearts of my children. 

HOWEVER, we are having good moments by the bucket-fulls, and bad moments by the teaspoon-fulls. Hope is outweighing despair. I have found myself laughing, tickling, giggling, kissing, cuddling, applauding, and smiling more the past month than I have since last fall. Love is on the move in this house. The transformations all around are beautiful to behold. 

Here’s to one year of Motherhood. 

 

Happy First Birthday Sami Skye

Today we celebrate you. When we first laid eyes on your photo, our minds stunned at the thought of God giving us a tiny baby, you were indeed tiny. Too tiny. Now you make Mommy’s arms tired. Your pants and sleeves are always too short. We celebrate your crazy dancing, arms gesturing and hands fluttering as you sway. Your squeals of delight when you play with Ebby. Your great love for your baba and all things edible (and various inedible things as well), and your snooty face if the texture isn’t to your liking. Your endless eyebrow expressions. Your birdie profile.  Your adult size clapping, often in rhythm with the music. Your singing. Your love for being swaddled, and how you lay in your little cocoon and fake sleep for great lengths of time. Your attachment to your sheepie blanket. Your love for giving affection and your smacking kissy face anytime we come close to you. Your great desire to talk, saying or at least attempting many words (Baba, all done, hi, button, thank you, Bebby, Dada, Papaw, Ok…).  Your rapid crawling and excited breathing when you hear your bottle being made. Your four pearly whites. Your cuddles. Your cuteness that gets me every time. 

 

Today we thank God for the gift of you. Your smart, mischievous spunk is sure to bring lots of challenging moments, but also so many moments of laughter and delight.  You have no lack for personality or attitude, and opinion that I did not know was even possible for a baby to possess. God has been so faithful and kind to us in hearing our cries for comfort for your heart and strength for our hearts as we walked through so many hard, tear-filled days. I am so thankful for the great joy and delight we have found in each other recently as God gently works His redemption in each one of us and molds us into the family He has designed. 

Today we reflect with gratitude on  Momma Addey, the woman who brought you into the world. We honor her memory and give thanks for her gift.

Today I pray this for you, over this year, over your future: that God would give you a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that you would be called an oak of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified. {from Isaiah 61}

We love you Sami Skye, and look forward to many more birthdays celebrating you.

It's Winter but Spring is Coming

I had  such gleaming writing intentions for January. It was going to be my slow down-take a breather-read more-write more- month. I wanted to write a “3 month home”  update. I wanted to document all of the hilarious observations, statements, and imaginary adventures Cypress tell us of, and the crawling accomplishment, the waving, the eating food, the growth spurt, and other such milestones Sami has reached. I wanted to think out loud on paper about my vision and goals for the new year. To discuss my WORD of the year, a word that would encapsulate my focus and inspiration for 2013. 

But instead, we had almost as many Christmas gatherings this month as we did in December. And at each one I second-guessed myself constantly wondering if it was too much for the girls. We’d been home just long enough to start socializing and felt bad staying home, but not quite long enough to feel comfortable taking the girls to big events where they felt all eyes on them. So many loving, delighted family members anxious to meet these little beauties they had helped/funded/prayed home, to give a smile, a hug, an introduction, a welcome to the family. The girls would sometimes hide their faces in our shoulders in fear and other times act strangely crazy fearless. Either way we kept them very close, prayed constantly for the Lord to give us wisdom if we were over-doing it, and told Cypress repeatedly that if she felt at all scared, she could ask us to hold her and even ask us to take her home and we would do so without hesitation.

 All in all, Cypress loved it. She made so many new cousin friends, showed positive signs of attachment with letting us meet her needs and being appropriately shy, and behaved very well. Sami stayed in our arms the whole time which she thought was pretty awesome, and knowing that she wouldn’t be handed off, she actually became increasingly happier about looking at new faces and occasionally even gifting the new face with one of her prized smiles. She doesn’t give them out to just anyone, their quantity is limited, you know. I think we did the right thing, but I can’t tell you how exhausting and stressful it is for me to be so often second-guessing myself, analyzing situations, behaviors, facial expressions, etc. looking for any sign of a red flag, considering how best to respond. Knowing our family is sort of in the spot light right now, and feeling the tension of our actions being weighed by so many eyes, some in earnest support and desire to understand the girls’ needs, others in possible confusion or disapproval of our actions. 

Slow down? Well the second half of January was a little quieter. That is, depending on how one uses the word quiet. Less plans? Yes. Less high volume in the house? No. If I had a webcam streaming live footage of this house, I am certain I would lose a large portion of my friends, and the remaining ones would kindly send notes recommending counselors, invite me to Bible studies, start prayer chains for us, or threaten me to get my act together lest they revoke the numerous reference letters they’ve written for us. It’s been brutal. Some days I’ve thought, maybe if I just put it all out there, every nitty gritty ugly detail, I would feel better and someone would show up on my doorstep with a latte and some solutions. Or a plane ticket to the Bahamas. Other days, I tell myself, “if you even let people know the half of your chaos you will end up with CPS at your door.” I’ve settled for middle ground. The short story is, Sami has spent more hours of the past month crying, screaming, moaning, whining, and yelling than I care to ever tally. And screaming babies are to my ears what aluminum cans are to a cat’s tail. (If you ‘ve never had brothers to demonstrate such horror, take my word for it, it’s a desperate situation. DESPERATE.). Added to such frazzled nerves are a constant winter headache that takes up residence in my sinuses, and the unwelcomed guest of winter depression who slinks into my house in December and hangs up his vile coat in my closet until forced out by March’s windy sunshine.

 It may sound a little humorous, but such an equation results in some pretty miserable days for all of us.  I am sorry to say there have been far too few moments of laughter and delight, and far too many moments of collective crying and yelling and plodding through days that all feel the same. I find myself doubting my sanity, doubting if I will survive the winter, doubting my ability to ever be a good mother, and doubting my own redemption as I take an up close, disturbing look at my own ugly selfish heart. Can God really love a woman who mothers with such a short fuse? That passes up adorable baby cuteness instead looking only at the frustration of such a demanding season? That throws temper tantrums to rival her own children? That prayed for 3 years for these beautiful littles to grace her home and now wonders at times what in the world she asked for?

 Then my daughter asks over her pizza at the lunch table, “Mom, why Jesus on da cross? I don’t know why Jesus sad on da cross!” And I say “Oh sweetie I know why, let me tell you!” And I tell her the gospel story, and she sits motionless, eyes welled with tears as she listens and tries so hard to grasp a concept even the greatest intellects wrestle. And I’m overwhelmed again. How can I ever point her to the Lover of her soul if I only choose to wallow in my own pain and failures instead of living out loud to her “my sin is so ugly, but my Jesus’s love is so much greater, His grace is so completely sufficient!” She resumes eating and routes the conversation to Jesus’s donkey, while I sit and ponder my own words. “He died for US. For all of our bad choices. Because He loves us. And now when God looks at us and sees our bad choices, He says ‘that’s ok, I forgive you, because you trust Jesus and Jesus died for that sin.’”

So there you have it. The volume is still on high. The writing has not happened, either because the chaos is too loud, my heart is too muddled, or I simply can’t muster the energy when the house is finally calm, and instead I sit and try to regroup before the next round begins. We’ve had some very hard days, and I am too easily distracted by the hard and miss out on the good. The good of Cypress’s delightful stage. Sometimes I fear I may sound as if I’m showing favoritism. It isn’t about loving one more, it’s simply an age preference. And Cypress is at what surely must be the best. Still little enough to need me, to like to cuddle, and even let me rock her to sleep on occasion. Yet big enough to express her feelings with words instead of crying, wipe her own bum, clean up her messes, say the most amusing things, entertain us with  her creative play, ask soul searching questions, and tell me at the most unexpected times, “Oh Mom you so cute! I love you Mom!” while she strokes my hair and smothers me with kisses.  And the little miss has some stellar moments amidst the yelling too. Like yesterday. As I walked through the house in a fog, I came into Sami’s line of vision (which usually results in immediate crying) and she looked up, raised her hand in a wave that resembled a Hitler salute and said “HA!” (her version of Hi). 

Stay tuned next week, I hope to share some updates/accomplishments/quotes. And maybe, if I’m inspired, my month overdue new year’s post. 

That’s all for today folks. We are still here. Looking for fingerprints of Jesus in our messy life.

One Month In

 Life as we know it: We now have a routine to most days. We all wake up at generally the same time every day, and know the basics of what’s needed to get the day started. Cypress reminds me often to “put lotion on you” before she gets dressed. She likes to say the prayer at lunch time. It usually goes something like this “Dear Jesus, thank you dis food, be with Daddy work, in Jesus’ name AMEN!”

Sami’s lunch now consists of avocados, cereal, or sweet potatoes, or some strange mix of the above. She is generally agreeable with whatever I feed her, and only had one day of grimaces and full body shivers when I introduced avocados before she decided they were ok too. Other than managing to throw the whole bowl of cereal on the floor one day, she’s done very well. 

A typical lunch time conversation between Cypress and I looks something like this:

Cy: Daddy napkin?

Me: no, just Cypress and Mommy for lunch.

Cy: Daddyz work?

Me: yes.

Cy: Daddy almost home?

Me: Daddy comes home when it’s dark.

Cy: No sun?

Me: Yes.

Cy: Mommy Ebbyz big teeth!!

Me: Mmmhmm

Cy: Jazzy woof woof!

Me: Yep

Cy: Who iz Ebby’s mommy?

Me. I don’t know hunny.

Cy: Mommy Ebby Woosha! (Amharic for dog) Followed by Amharic words for banana, flower, water, plate, etc.)

Me: good job, thank you for telling me!

Cy: Grama Bec truck?

Me: No, Grampa Larry has a truck.

Cy:  Mommy, Tatum’s house!

Me: mmhmm, that was fun, huh?

Cy: Mommy, Mommy, MOMMY! Sami sleeping?

Me: mhhm.

Cy: Mommy who izat? (used for “what is that”, “ whose is that”, “who is that”.)

Me: That’s our neighbor.

Cy: Zat house?

Me: Yep that’s their house.

Cy: Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy (looking for a new conversational piece) Candle?

Me: Yep.

Cy: Grama Bec mommy’s mommy’s mommy’s mommy’s mommy’s? (I tried to explain that Grama Bec was Mommy’s mommy. That one has yet to register.)

Me: Yeah kind of.

Cy: Mommy Arsema bottle? NO! Sami bottle? YES!

Me: That’s right.

Cy: Mommy mommy mommy, uncle Landon silly!

Me: yep he’s silly.

Cy: Monkey Heee Heee Haaa Haaaa!

Me: mmhmm, eat your lunch please.

And a few minutes later we repeat all. We have officially entered the questions and conversation phase, I cannot express to you how mutually fun and exciting and terribly brain frying it is. Her language acquisition is incredible to watch. She memorizes knew phrases by repeating them quietly over and over to herself. I will tell her “I’ll be back in a minute” and I’ll hear her saying repeatedly to herself “be back in minute, be back in minute”. She has never expressed frustration over not being able to communicate, but rather laughs at our attempts to repeat her words, and then goes on to a new subject if we can’t find some mutual understanding. However, after 800 times of being asked where Ebby’s mommy is, and “who izat” to endless items around the house, I start hearing a buzzing in my head and tell her I think her going down to jump rope in the basement would be a really good idea. 

Fitting for this phase, her new most frequently used phrase is now “I dunno”.  Her two most missed-used words currently are “tomorrow” (she thinks the high school we drive by is tomorrow…?) and “almost”. We are almost doing a lot of things around here.  When I’m tempted to go a little bit crazy in my head over incessant and terribly abstract conversations that cycle throughout the day, I can’t help but smile to myself and shake my head in wonder. Is anyone surprised that I would have a daughter who craves constant conversation? No?? I didn’t think so. Seriously, God builds families. And He doesn’t require genetics in order to make them share resemblance. It’s mind blowing, really.

Speaking of resemblances, I have a little one who requires sleep in a most demanding manner. She can hardly keep herself together for an hour and a half between naps. I often hold her off until two hours. It gets seriously dramatic, and the drama is usually contagious. She is a sensitive little miss. Sometimes my walking out of the room is grounds for complete panic. And she doesn’t panic quietly. When I’m mumbling to myself about her neediness, I hear voices in my head that sound very much like my Mom’s saying things like “Oh Carrie, you were my needy child. Always wanting held. Craving attention. You didn’t like to play alone and always wanted to be right next to me.” I feel like this might be some sort of retribution. 

Both of the little people take good naps in the afternoon, and because they love to sleep so much, it is usually no problem to get them synchronized. I am so thankful. During this time, I get a facebook and chocolate fix. Or do some paper work and eat cookies. Or fold clothes and watch Parenthood and eat chocolate.

Sami often takes a third nap in the evening while we eat dinner. Cypress asks me at least four times a day when I’m holding/rocking Sami, “Again sleeping Sami?!” In a most incredulous tone.

These are the little things of this phase that will soon be out grown but I don’t want to be forgotten.

•   Sami loves to imitate to the best of her ability.
•   My favorite is her clapping. It is so stinkin cute.
•   And when she whispers “dada” in my ear.
•  Cypress singing non-stop to her baby, to Sami, to Ebby, to her fans using her microphone (also known as a baby bottle).
•   When she makes up her songs, nearly every other word is Jesus. Jesus Loves. Love Jesus. Jesus Jesus. I don’t even feel like I’ve sang to her that much yet, but regardless, she loves to sing about Jesus.
•  Any unidentifiable animal is a squirrel. 
• Anytime a door (closet, bedroom, basement, etc.) closes between us, we must exchange multiple fairwells. "Ciou Mommy. Goodbye. Ciou. I love you. Goodbye. Ciou. Mommy ciou."
•  And to my great enjoyment…October and Octopus are still used interchangeably. I may be letting this one slide for a while.

One month in for Momma looks like this. A little less tired…some days. I’ve managed to get in one workout, and consume a lot of cookies. At some point this equation will need to be rectified a little. I continue to be taken aback by these girls’ adaptability and my own floundering. And their extended grace on the days I’m most undeserving. Cypress never fails to comment on my konjo (beautiful) hair when I’ve skipped my shower and have scary bedhead. (She has had to ask twice to see if I have underarm hair, so she is looking out for my hygiene. I’m happy to assure her that I at least have that one covered.) Some days I’m caught off guard when I give her too short of an answer or a less than warm direction and she responds with “Ok. I love you Mommy!” Some days I put Sami to bed in a hurry, my rocking time short and my arms tense with frustration over her crying. Yet she awakens so happy to see me and so ready to cuddle. 

When I hear my sharp tone of voice or short words come out of Cypress’s mouth I cringe. These girls a like a mirror, and some days I really don’ t like what I see. Today I am so overwhelmed with the impression that this is as much about my own learning and refinement and repentance as it is about their instruction and guidance. I’m getting a clearer look at who I was when God first loved me. And who I still I am so many moments and days when I let my flesh make the judgment calls instead of the Spirit of Jesus. I want a life that is engaged in the Kingdom, sold out completely to the work that Jesus has started in me. Yet I find myself at war with a person inside who seeks comfort and always the path of least resistance. “Yes Lord, give me a purpose and a mission! But please, no shorter nights, interruptions to my normal routines, illnesses, surrendering of my own dreams, sacrifices to my social life, and PLEASE no fussy children, they really stress me out.”  And then the Holy Spirit ministers these words to my heart. “Jesus came not to be served but to serve. And to give His life as a ransom for many. (mark 10:45)” And this too. That there is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for those dear to you (John 15:13). I see it a little more clearly every day I live in this broken body. That none of this is about me nor can it be delivered by me. I can’t draw on my education or my instinctual love for children or my passion for orphan care or my grit and determination or my belief system in order to love and parent these girls. It’s only and all about God’s love flowing through me. I am nothing on my own. Now if only myself would be crucified once and for all and quit interrupting the love flow. 

So to summarize the first month: Sami is learning to eat and grow teeth. Cypress is learning to speak English. Mommy is learning lessons of faith from her littles. We share many smiles and giggles and songs. The Love that brought us all together is knitting our hearts tighter to each other every day; I can’t imagine life without them both.  They inspire me with their courage, melt me with their unsurpassed cuteness, and draw me to our Abba who has loved us all out of our orphaned state of despair. And even in our busy, hard, exhausting days, they stir me. I see them at our dinner table, blossoming in the love of a family, and I wonder…who will fill our two empty seats?